How to Manipulate Men

The unfortunate news is that most men can’t read minds. Derren Brown, maybe. Uri Geller, perhaps. But the rest of us, not so much. Plain instructions such as ‘Turn off that Playstation’ often don’t work either. You just start sounding like a hotter version of one of our primary-school teachers. The middle ground is coaxing. Here’s how to get your man to…

Call More Often

You’re going to struggle here. Men use telephones – cellular or otherwise – to relay information. This is why two men can happily have a 10-second telephone conversation and why we cannot comprehend how women spend so much time running up their phone bills.

A Couple of Strategies

When you’re just kicking things off with a guy, limit your calls (and SMSes) to him. Nothing says ‘intriguing’ quite like a new girlfriend who doesn’t want to know all about your day every five minutes. He will be happy to work for your attention.

A few months in, it’s better to avoid games. Heap praise on him when he does get around to phoning. Don’t even be subtle about it: ‘I love it when you call; you’ve made my day’ is about right. He might take the hint.

Shag Him

You can try the me-time argument and the tears and the you’re-so-childish angle but none of them works like sex. Either make it a long session so he’ll be happy to do things with you afterwards or promise it to him for after he’s accompanied you wherever it is you want to go.

As a variation, you could offer him a sexual incentive: a new position, new lingerie, letting him shave you – that kind of thing.

This solution works for various man problems you may be encountering but don’t let him get cynical. When the two of you are only having sex so you can get him to do something, you’ve got problems. Once a week, maximum.

To Meet your Parents

Don’t Panic. It’s just your parents. They’re not that bad, really. It won’t be a disaster… which is to say, you’re worrying about nothing. Any guy in a vaguely serious relationship won’t have the slightest problem meeting your folks, unless your father’s the chief of police and your mother’s a bra-burning lesbian. Just tell him the time has come and would he be so kind as to accompany you to see them for a casual dinner. Prep him on the various embarrassing family idiosyncrasies he can look forward to, as well as your father’s political leanings, and you’re away. Next thing you know he’ll be charming your mom and trading golf stories with your dad.

Try Something New in Bed

Ask him, or better yet, tell him.

Say He Loves You

Ah. The Holy Grail. But be careful what you wish for, girls. Firstly, know this: any guy who says he loves you on the first night is just trying to sleep with you. In fact, any guy who says he loves you before you’ve slept with him is just trying to sleep with you. Even after the sleeping with you has taken place, he may use it to sleep with you again.

(Or, to try sleeping with another part of you.) This is, of course, because a man will do anything to get a woman into bed, including tell the greatest porkie of all. Consequently, you should be wary of roving Lotharios who gel their hair, wear zooty clothes and send you x-laden SMSes late at night. You should also be wary of wimpy boyfriends who tell you they love you every five minutes.

The unfortunate reality is that if you want your man to tell you he loves you with the full force of genuine emotion, then you have to earn it. Understand this: real men do not bandy about the L word willy-nilly. Real men are deeply aware of its colossal gravitas and deep and varied implications. When he says ‘I love you’, he wants you to feel it vibrating through every fibre of your body – that’s how meaningful the moment is to him.

I have a friend who told his girlfriend that he loved her twice in the first three years that they went out. Pierre is a real man and Mary is now his happy wife. Theirs is a relationship bound with the knowledge that there was no guilty pandering to insecurities or social expectations. It is 100% genuine. When the time was right, the words were said, and over the years they have been said more and more often – and always with meaning.